What I am is not what I want to be

I've always been told I look young for my age. I've been mistaken to be twelve when I was already sixteen and sixteen when I was twenty. I am currently twenty two, turning twenty three and some people say I don't look a day over eighteen.

I've been old enough to get into R-18 movies for nearly five years now, and if I dress right I can actually look my age and not be accosted by the bouncers if I ever go into a bar. I have yet to actually try to get into a bar where there is an age minimum as I am not fond of alcohol. So that last statement isn't entirely proven but it's unlikely I'll be turned away because they think I look too young, if any it'll be because I'm not cool enough.

That should be good enough for me, shouldn't it? I don't really fall under the category of "MoE" so I have no problem of being underestimated or treated like a child. People simply realize my less-than-proper conduct for what it really is: Immaturity. They do not consider me child-like, childish is more like it.

Which begs the question: Why do people think I'm (to a certain degree) unapproachable?

Is it the lack of innocence on my part? Do I exude an air of bitchery that makes people think I'll bite their heads off for no apparent reason? I've been told I'm not bitchy, just mataray. Is it because I'm so damn bitter and cynical that I don't seem like the type people would want to care for and protect? Possibly. If the vase is already broken why bother protecting it? If the screen is already cracked why bother keeping the rest of it safe? People would be more interested in fixing me rather than caring for me.

But are there really people like that? People who only want damaged goods because they can't handle anything brand new. People who go for these "throw-aways" because they have lowered expectations and thus don't require as much effort. The little cracks or the dents that people declare to give something "more character" is just an excuse for the real reason that being with such an obviously imperfect thing makes one more perfect by comparison.

It makes me question why anyone would be attracted to me. I am not ugly, I can say that without bursting out laughing or being smug about it, nor am I beautiful. I am cute, pretty if I manage to hire some professional hair and make-up artist, but never sophisticated, never this unattainable beauty.

I am not MoE, I can sound MoE but only if I consciously remind myself of my objective. I am not Tsundere, though some people beg to differ. I had asked a friend recently what impression I gave during the first few times we met. Our topic of conversation had somehow strayed to 4chan-ish subjects so the answer of "Without your glasses you look young, with your glasses you looked like a Mama-san." shouldn't be taken out of context.

Naturally my left eyebrow arched the way The Rock's signature eyebrow does at my friend's response. I was expecting something like "Older loli" because of my childishness. But mama-san?! I had also asked based on my physical appearance do I look Seme or Uke.

The answer came after a long pause, this does not mean I was frightening my friend. I was told I was Seme and by the name of my blog it should be apparent that that's not the answer I wanted.

A person cannot change what he or she is, and even if I pretend or don a mask, the truth of my nature will still come out. Unfortunately, people tend to misinterpret and misunderstand these truths to the point it no longer is true.

If I appear more Seme than Uke then what can I do to change that without compromising my natural expressions and mannerisms? If I appear more Tsundere than MoE (I am not Yandere, seriously, I will not exact revenge by killing with a smile if I am spurned, I am no sociopath just emo) then what can I do to change this without giving up my own style (or lack thereof)?

How confusing it is when we appear to be something we're not.

How frustrating it is when we are mistaken to be the opposite of what we wish to convey.