Dependency

I would like to make one thing clear: This is one of those entries that I'd appreciate people not to make such a big fuss over. It's nothing okay? Don't go feeling bad about what I wrote because that just makes everything worse. Don't go nagging me into "cheering up" and stuff because I'm trying my damn best to do so without the aid of commercial medicine. And most likely, this is all a result of hormones as I'm nearing my period (TMI?).

I realize one thing: My depression is caused by my dependency on other people. Yes, I admit it, I base my happiness on other people. I base it on what they think of me, on how they talk about me when I'm not around, on what impression I'm giving and etc.

There's one person in particular (who shall remain nameless and don't bother asking if it's you because if you do ask, chances are it's not you) whose mere presence can make or break my mood. Now that's a HUGE burden to bear, which is why I don't let this person know because it will put on a strain on our friendship. And that's not something I want to do to this person. I try to make it a point to remind myself that I have no right to think the way I do, that I shouldn't feel entitled to anything. Big words coming from a spoiled emo-brat.

So now my question is: How do I make myself happy without depending on people? Art certainly is out of the question, as is writing as both forms of expression reminds me of the nameless one. Videogames make me happy while I play them, but once I stop, the sadness slowly creeps in.

There are several nights where I end up crying myself to sleep even though I tell myself I shouldn't be crying. That I have no reason, no right to cry and bemoan my situation as I'm living a pretty good life.

I wish I was Jaded instead of Embittered.

Life would be so much easier that way.